Selective Focus Life Changing Process!

Change Your Life, One Experience at a Time!

Life is the collection of experiences.  A shift in focus, causes a new experience, that results in a new life!

Sheleigh Lee

This is not just another “positive thinking,” technique.  The Selective Focus Life Changing Process, will guide you through the process of validating your feelings first (not ignore them) and then shifting your focus from expectations, to gratitude and appreciation.

The next time you feel frustrated, take a breath and notice if you have any expectation related to the situation.  Then apply the Selective Focus Life Changing Process, described below.

I.  SELECTIVE FOCUS LIFE CHANGING PROCESS.

Question: Ask yourself . . .

1. What is the expectation that I have, related to this situation?
2. Has the expectation been satisfied?
3. Is the unsatisfied expectation causing me to feel frustrated, annoyed or impatient?
4. On a scale from 1-10, how important is it for me to have this expectation satisfied right now, in this moment?
   • For importance levels 1-9 skip to question 5.
   • For importance level 10 (for example, dire consequences if expectation not satisfied in that moment), act accordingly.
5. What can I appreciate or be grateful for, related this situation or something I can see, hear, touch or taste right now (even if remotely related to the situation)?
6. What would happen if I focused on what I can appreciate and be grateful for?

Observe: 

• Before moving forward with the process, acknowledge the negative feeling, validate your right feel that way and acknowledge your choice to either (a) continue to feeling frustrated; or (b) focus on what you can appreciate and be grateful for.
• Next, focus on what you appreciate and are grateful for and allow your brain and body to produce those good feeling natural chemicals that are triggered by thoughts of appreciation and gratitude.
• After a moment or two, NOTICE CHANGES by asking yourself:
  • How does my body feel right now?
  • What emotions do I feel?
  • What importance and meaning do I now attach to the situation?
  • How has this experience different from what I experienced before the above questions and observations?

Once we go from negative feelings, to appreciating and being grateful for something related to the situation, we have changed our focus.  When we change our focus, the meaning that we associate with the situation automatically changes.  When the meaning of the situation changes, our experience of the situation automatically changes.  Life is the compilation of our experiences and so, we can change our life, one experience at a time, by simply changing our focus.  The only effort required is acknowledging that we have the right to experience the negative feelings and then choosing to shift our focus.

Once the validation and shift in focus becomes automatic (a habit), changing our life is effortless.  It typically take about 21 consecutive days of practicing something, for it to become automatic or a habit.  If we practice this for 21 days it should become automatic.

Do You Want Your Life to Consist of Empty Unsatisfied Expectations, or a Treasure Chest Filled with Gratitude and Appreciation?  Move from Empty to Full, by Validating the Feeling and Shifting Your Focus.

II.  HOW IT WORKS.

• ACKNOWLEDGING our negative feelings and VALIDATING our negative feelings, reduces the risk of suppressing those feelings, which could lead to problems later (such as, passive aggressive behavior, etc.).*
• REPLACING the unsatisfied EXPECTATION (that caused the negative feelings), with GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION, requires us to change our focus.
• This CHANGE in FOCUS, changes the meaning of the situation.
• This CHANGE in MEANING causes a change in our experience of the situation.
• Our EXPERIENCE SHIFTS from feelings related to an unsatisfied expectation, to feelings of gratitude and appreciation.
• Our LIFE CONSISTS of a COMPILATION of EXPERIENCES.
• EXPERIENCES = LIFE.
  • EXPERIENCES WITH A FOCUS ON LACK (not enough/not good enough) = CONTINUING A LIFE OF LACK
  • EXPERIENCES WITH A FOCUS ON GRATITUDE = A NEW LIFE FILLED WITH GRATITUDE AND ABUNDANCE (Note, it is impossible for us to feel lack, while simultaneously feeling gratitude).

III.  REAL LIFE EXAMPLE.

THE SAME OLD, SAME OLD. 

• You notice that your spouse or partner went food shopping, but once again, he or she did not pick-up your favorite food that you requested.
• You think about how this has been happening on a regular basis and that you will need to go to the store yourself, if you want it.
• You notice feelings of frustration, annoyance and impatience come up for you.
• You just don’t feel like you should have to do anything about your feelings; because after all, your perception is that it is his or her fault that you feel this way; he or she made you feel this way.
• You don’t take a breath and you don’t change your focus.
• You start to run the usual story in your head about similar experiences and the meaning you give them; for example, this is just like that, and if he or she loved me she would have . . . or he or she should have . . .
• At this point, you are drowning in emotions to the extent that you can’t even perceive the life raft, known as breath, which is always available to you.
• You don’t CHANGE your FOCUS.
• The MEANING you give to your experience does not change.
• Your EXPERIENCE does not SHIFT.
• Your LIFE CONSISTS of the COMPILATION of your EXPERIENCES.
• YOUR EXPERIENCE  IS THE SAME, SO YOUR LIFE IS THE SAME.

YOUR NEW LIFE: Same situation, with change in focus.

• You notice that your spouse or partner went food shopping, but once again, he or she did not pick-up your favorite food, that you requested.
• You think about how this has been happening on a regular basis and that you will need to go get it at the store.
• You notice feelings of frustration, annoyance and impatience come up for you.
• You take a breath and apply the Life Changing Process, described above in Section I, SELECTIVE FOCUS LIFE CHANGING PROCESS.

(Follow the steps in the LIFE CHANGING PROCESS, described in Section I above, then continue)

• You realize that you expected your spouse or partner to purchased your favorite food, as requested.
• You realize that, if you really tried, you could appreciate and feel grateful for his or her efforts in going food shopping or the food purchased.
• You realize that you have a choice and you choose to CHANGE YOUR FOCUS, to appreciation and gratitude for the effort and food purchased.
• Automatically, your EXPERIENCE SHIFTS from feeling unsatisfied expectation to feelings of gratitude and appreciation.
• Your LIFE CONSISTS of a COMPILATION of YOUR EXPERIENCES.
• YOUR NEW EXPERIENCE, RESULTS IN A NEW LIFE.

Note, depending on the particular issue and the significance to you and your relationship with your spouse or partner, you may want to set time aside to discuss the issue.  During the discussion, if you find that negative feelings are coming up for you, applying the Life Changing Process may help you to think more clearly during the discussion, and reduce the distraction of intense negative feelings.

Practice the Selective Focus Life Changing Process, until it becomes a habit, which typically takes approximately 21 days.   Let us know about your experience.

*This validation step is important and it distinguishes this process from the typical “positive thinking” techniques, because it  requires that we acknowledge and validate our negative feeling first.  If we jump straight to shifting our focus, without taking a look and validating our negative feelings, those feelings may get pushed down or suppressed, which can cause problems later, for example passive aggressive behavior, etc.

AS WITH ALL OF OUR CHALLENGES, STRESSING ABOUT THIS CHALLENGE IS STRICTLY PROHIBITED!! HAVE FUN WITH IT!

We hope you enjoyed this article and found it helpful. We’d love to hear from you. Please SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE with this challenge, IN THE COMMENT SECTION BELOW. We will be publishing readers’ submissions (without your name), so check back soon.